Yesterday was Monday. Yesterday was a fucking horrible day. not a nice word, I know. but it was. It shouldn’t have been – it started so well with a meditation and action. I 5,4,3,2,1’d myself out of bed to do the morning rituals I aspire to do. but then I remembered that I had to take my daughter to school. and as I remembered that I remembered the quiz night the Friday night before. It was an innocent quiz night to raise funds for my daughter’s school. a little Montessori preschool. Why would the memory of that make me cringe and squirm – no one’s general knowledge can be that bad right? We’re not talking a Mensa quiz night.
it all started when my ex-arrived to join myself and my mother to represent our family at the quiz night. when I say arrived I mean kicking and screaming really. id begged him to come with me. It’s pretty crap doing everything alone within a school environment. let me say now if it wasn’t clear – he didn’t want to come. he called when he was on his way to say I d better have a whiskey and a coffee ready for him when he got there. I jumped to it- old habits die hard. Of course, my instinct said that’s a worrying beginning but my mind said ‘you don’t want to go alone, you don’t want to go alone” needless to say one whiskey turned into him polishing off half a bottle of my finest whiskey before we even left the house. He’s a huge man with a huge personality and very dominating presence – something that can be very attractive when he’s in a good place and terrifying when he’s not. tonight he was not.
By the time we arrived at quiz night he had laid into my mother, insulted me, dredged up the past and reminded us how he was a hapless victim with me as the evil villainess. sounds dramatic and ridiculous. sounds like I’m making it up? YOU CAN’T MAKE THIS SHIT UP. By now I’m wishing he wasn’t here, hoping he won’t make a scene and behave badly and inappropriately. So what ensued was pretty much in exact contradiction to my wishes. He proceeded to drink a large amount of red wine (always a super combination with whiskey) get loud and belligerent, insult two of the teacher’s assistants, shout, fight with a father at the end of the table, threaten to take it outside to the car park, throw something across the table at him and tell a complete stranger in the parking lot that I had stolen his sperm. Yip – that was quiz night! So, now you understand why come Monday morning the simple act of taking my daughter to school was the ultimate walk of shame.
As the horror unfolded on that Friday night and I kept trying to appease and placate him I wondered why I had been so determined that he come, why I was doing the same thing I had done our whole relationship which was to try and keep the peace and pacify the monster when he showed up. I wondered why I didn’t grab my mother, walk out of the quiz night and leave him in our dust. I suspect as amusing as this story is on some levels that that question is a very important one for me to answer for myself and may unlock the door to a new and brighter future where I chose a different kind of man.
Last weekend I stood beside my very close friend and together we said goodbye to her mama. She was no ordinary woman – She was a lady and a Sexy Mama.
Sitting at the memorial listening to her family talk about her I remembered some of the extrardinary things that she had demonstrated in her life and how important those lessons are for anyone wanting to live a good life.
Abundance mentality – In this home there was always more than enough to go around. Enough food, love, warmth, attention. If you arrived unexpectedly a plan would always be made without you feeling unwelcome. Frugality was checked at the door. She lived from a belief that life is abundant, that the universe provides and it worked for her!
Strong family bond – this sexymama was such a matriarch that her family all lived within walking distance of her. The family bond is so important in times of hardship, heartache, happiness, celebration,when you have been thrown a curve ball in life and when life couldnt be better. If you have family you have everything you need. So many times when i went there you’d find 4 generations all lying together on mama’s bed watching TV or chatting and laughing together. This sexy mama was a lioness when it came to protecting her family. She knew the importance of family and she embraced it.
Moral Compass – This sexy mama didn’t take any crap. She was loving, and warm, but she was also pretty friken scary if you crossed her. Her moral compass was set to true north and there was no bullshit. Her boundaries we firmly in place. She knew what her standards were, what she believed and what she would accept – if it fell outside of that it had no place in her home.
Passion – SM was all about passion. Passion for her garden, her cooking, her beloved Italian opera, her kids, her grandkids, her extremely successful business. everything she did she poured her passion into.
Hard Work – SM worked hard. There was no 2 ways about it. She ran a very successful guesthouse, an office of a leading estate agency and was the top seller within her province for many years running – but it never looked like a hardship or a slog or someting she resented, she ran them all with grace, with passion and with immense joy which leads us to the very important next point…
Gratitude – SM worked, played, loved, laughed, cried, mourned, celebrated all with immense gratitude. She had an inate understanding that Gratitude is the combination lock that opens the door to your best life.
and last but not least
A Big Heart – helping the less fortunate – For this Sexymama helping the less fortunate was really important and so she was involved in soup kitchens, helped out people within her community that needed a helping hand and was a real champion for the underdog. Some of the loudest sobs at the service were from the ladies that had faithfully worked for SM most of their adult lives.
And thats all it takes to live the life of your dreams. As soon as one of these steps or principles is ignored or sidelined your life will start going to the dogs. You dont have to be wealthy to apply these principles, you dont even need to have family in the traditional sense – you can create a family by creating strong bonds in your tribe. When you break it down its not that hard – it just needs to be practised everyday.
So thats what I learned from this Sexy Mama. I can only hope when it comes time for people to speak about me that they can honestly say some of these things too.
Right, so I’ve really committed to this whole online dating thing. Just for fun really. Just to get out and hopefully, have an interesting conversation. I never would have thought. Only took me 3 years to warm to the idea but there it is. Theres a lot of odd stuff out there and let me just immediately confess that I’ve only had 5 dates. Nevertheless despite my complete rookidom I have some completely unrequested tips for guys wanting to get some attention.
- if there’s no photo you are immediately a wierdo stalker and serial killer. so don’t bother posting without one.
- I know cycling has become some sort of wierd worldwide epidemic but please dudes do you have to post photos wth cycling helmets and lycra shorts on? FYI its just not a good look. i promise. yes. really.
- If you keep insisting on collecting me from my home on the first date the only people you are going to meet there will be the Popo because I’m going to have to assume you’re up to no good.
- Do not post a profile picture posing naked to the waist and in your bed under any circumstances. Not any. Unless you have posted while in the throws of a devastating fever and are delirious we will have to assume that you are a sexual deviant. And you probably are.
- I thought this one would be for a girls only but apparently not. Dont post pictures from 10 years ago. even if you think you look exactly the same. You do not. I promise.
- It is not okay to make lude suggestive comments before we have even met. For example: Woman: “How will we recognise each other?” Man: ” By your thong.” We are not Ho’s yo! Let me just add its not appropriate after we’ve met either. Can you at least let us feel you actually like our company and that its not all about punani for a little while? At least until you can gauge how frieky we might be and sometime gentlemen we’ll surprise you…..but sometimes we will not so dont push it bro!
- This should not even need to be pointed out – but it sadly does, so! Do not – under any circumstances – not any at all – make fun of the person when you meet them. if you think it is funny and that you are the ultimate joker and such a fun guy because you poke fun at other people about something physical – or what they are wearing or any other thing – then you are a dickhead and you will die alone. Get a friekin life and a therapist because you’ve got some issues pal.
- Dont try and get me drunk because you think i’m going to put out if you do. its ridiculous and probably illegal. What you’ll get instead is someone who can’t speak coherantly, who starts talking about her ex and who may vomit.
- Have fun – look most of the time you’re not gonna get any – sometimes you’ll meet someone that you really have a spark with and then you will get some. If you’ve happened upon a nympho you may very well get more than you bargained for but guys we know its not all about sex, no? It’s also about having an affinity with someone and sometimes a great conversation is the best aphrodisiac.
- Listen – really listen when the gal is chatting. Ask questions – keep eye contact.Be interested. If you do your score rate will go right up. If she’s insufferable go home alone. Dont try and salvage the evening with a quick poke. come on guys – do I have to say this?
- LEAVE YOUR DARN CELLPHONE IN YOUR POCKET. DO NOT LOOK AT IT, CHECK IT, TAKE CALLS UNLESS YOUR HOUSE IS BURNING DOWN OR YOUR CAR IS BEING STOLEN (you’ll recognise those emergency numbers) If you cannot spend a few hours without looking at your phone you should date it.
So there we are. Thats my unrequested take on online dating from a 40 something. Its going to be soo different for 20 and 30 somethings. I would LOVE to hear some of your rules. And guys I would particularly love to hear from you. I’ve got an idea to compile all of these and make it into something very funny and put it on youtube so please please any comments would be AMAZING!!
I really wanted him to call. I really wanted to not want to care if he called. but I really wanted him to call. Suddenly I’m a teenager again not a woman of 40 plus with my own business and a child. Just like that. Overnight. Suddenly all the insecurities crowd in and you remember that love is so very scary, that you’re so very vulnerable, that far from being euphoric there’s a lot that feels a lot more like cruel torture. But then you also realise that you feel alive again. Yes, it may be uncomfortably so, but you’re awake, you’re tuned in again, life has taken on another dimension that you had all but switched off.
He may never call. The fantasies that I had conjured up after one brief meeting in an alcohol fueled conversation over several hours in a bar may be the alchemy of absurdity but it doesn’t matter – even though it feels like it really does. There are people out there is the message. After years with one person its difficult to believe that there is life beyond – that perhaps I can still meet someone who will love and adore me and right back at them. I’ve got to be brave. I’ve got to resist the temptation to pull my head back into my shell and say ” no no its too scary, i’m too vulnerable, this is bullshit and i dont need it.” I’ve got to keep living authentically, keep striving for what i want, working toward my dreams and love will find me if my heart is open and my soul is true.
but this isn’t just about me. It’s about you too……….
When I made the decision to work with a business coach i expected motivational strategies to deal with marketing, financing and HR – i don’t know what i expected. What i didn’t expect was that it would take me on a journey of intense personal reflection, soul searching and require that i work through things I have happily buried deep and kept from everyone around me including me. The idea of vulnerability being a prerequiste for good business was pretty foreign to me and probably to you too. But what i’ve come to understand and been guided through is the idea that without vulnerability and the prerequiste trust that it assumes, we cannot be Authentic. And without authenticity we are not special – we are not seen. We are just grey shapes in a grey crowd.
Heady stuff admittedly and actually bloody inconvenient when what i’m trying to do is drive sales and hurry up about it. I’m joking of course (sort of) but it did lead me on a little expedition to find out more about vulnerabiity and what is written about it as well as trying to apply it to my life in every sphere. i discovered a fantastic book (well in my case audio book since i rarely have time to read ) by Brene Brown called “The Power of Vulnerablity”. She’s such a great speaker. She’s an academic, a researcher and someone for whom vulnerability is not a naturally occuring state. its funny how the world works – once you are interested in something it appears everywhere. Suddenly Tony Robbins is shouting about it, its in other books i read, articles, I fully expect to see it on a billboard tomorrrow morning.
Without authenticity we cannot take our business to the level of art like Seth Godin speaks of it. He says, and I agree (hope i’m not f*@£king it up Seth )- but what i understand is that in order to survive in the current climate we have to be artists – and what we do we need to see as our craft – that thing that we are passionate about – something that we are always striving to master and hone. But more than that there has to be a genuine connection and communication with our clients, our audience, our customers that can only be provided when authenticity comes in to play. That elevates what we do to an art rather than a job. As exhausting as it sounds I believe it will be a very exciting and passion filled adventure and i am excited to be on this ride. But before i jump into the frey I’m going to take some great advice from the uber successful Arianna Huffington and I’m going to have a nap.
I love to read genuine and compassionate articles. I’m enjoying this blog. And of course we often find what we need to hear if we are open to it. Thank you!
“A good rest is half the work.” ~Buddhist Proverb
1. Remember why you started
What has inspired you to be on the path you are on? Anytime we forget our roots or the purpose for why we are in our current situation, it is easy to see our challenges only as difficulties. How many challenges have you overcome to get where you are? I am sure there are too many to count. It might be helpful to write down or say out loud the reasons why you started your endeavor. What was your intention? What was your goal? It is important for us to take a step back and remember who, what or why we decided to put energy into something.
2. You are not what you do
How do you identify yourself? Take a moment to reflect on how you describe yourself. Would you describe yourself as caring, generous or loving? Would you describe…
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