I really wanted him to call. I really wanted to not want to care if he called. but I really wanted him to call. Suddenly I’m a teenager again not a woman of 40 plus with my own business and a child. Just like that. Overnight. Suddenly all the insecurities crowd in and you remember that love is so very scary, that you’re so very vulnerable, that far from being euphoric there’s a lot that feels a lot more like cruel torture. But then you also realise that you feel alive again. Yes, it may be uncomfortably so, but you’re awake, you’re tuned in again, life has taken on another dimension that you had all but switched off.
He may never call. The fantasies that I had conjured up after one brief meeting in an alcohol fueled conversation over several hours in a bar may be the alchemy of absurdity but it doesn’t matter – even though it feels like it really does. There are people out there is the message. After years with one person its difficult to believe that there is life beyond – that perhaps I can still meet someone who will love and adore me and right back at them. I’ve got to be brave. I’ve got to resist the temptation to pull my head back into my shell and say ” no no its too scary, i’m too vulnerable, this is bullshit and i dont need it.” I’ve got to keep living authentically, keep striving for what i want, working toward my dreams and love will find me if my heart is open and my soul is true.
but this isn’t just about me. It’s about you too……….
When I made the decision to work with a business coach i expected motivational strategies to deal with marketing, financing and HR – i don’t know what i expected. What i didn’t expect was that it would take me on a journey of intense personal reflection, soul searching and require that i work through things I have happily buried deep and kept from everyone around me including me. The idea of vulnerability being a prerequiste for good business was pretty foreign to me and probably to you too. But what i’ve come to understand and been guided through is the idea that without vulnerability and the prerequiste trust that it assumes, we cannot be Authentic. And without authenticity we are not special – we are not seen. We are just grey shapes in a grey crowd.
Heady stuff admittedly and actually bloody inconvenient when what i’m trying to do is drive sales and hurry up about it. I’m joking of course (sort of) but it did lead me on a little expedition to find out more about vulnerabiity and what is written about it as well as trying to apply it to my life in every sphere. i discovered a fantastic book (well in my case audio book since i rarely have time to read ) by Brene Brown called “The Power of Vulnerablity”. She’s such a great speaker. She’s an academic, a researcher and someone for whom vulnerability is not a naturally occuring state. its funny how the world works – once you are interested in something it appears everywhere. Suddenly Tony Robbins is shouting about it, its in other books i read, articles, I fully expect to see it on a billboard tomorrrow morning.
Without authenticity we cannot take our business to the level of art like Seth Godin speaks of it. He says, and I agree (hope i’m not f*@£king it up Seth )- but what i understand is that in order to survive in the current climate we have to be artists – and what we do we need to see as our craft – that thing that we are passionate about – something that we are always striving to master and hone. But more than that there has to be a genuine connection and communication with our clients, our audience, our customers that can only be provided when authenticity comes in to play. That elevates what we do to an art rather than a job. As exhausting as it sounds I believe it will be a very exciting and passion filled adventure and i am excited to be on this ride. But before i jump into the frey I’m going to take some great advice from the uber successful Arianna Huffington and I’m going to have a nap.
1. Remember why you started
What has inspired you to be on the path you are on? Anytime we forget our roots or the purpose for why we are in our current situation, it is easy to see our challenges only as difficulties. How many challenges have you overcome to get where you are? I am sure there are too many to count. It might be helpful to write down or say out loud the reasons why you started your endeavor. What was your intention? What was your goal? It is important for us to take a step back and remember who, what or why we decided to put energy into something.
2. You are not what you do How do you identify yourself? Take a moment to reflect on how you describe yourself. Would you describe yourself as caring, generous or loving? Would you describe…
Yesterday was a bad day. On the Richter scale of bad days it measured 9.99999. Cataclysmic really. We lost a major client, a whole whack of money and a fair amount of credibility.
i wished i’d had an ear to bounce it off, a place to cool down before i reacted in anger and frustration. But….I didnt.
Its frieken hard to be a business owner and some days are going to be wholeheartedly crap. I did the financial calculations, had a nervous breakdown, had a cry at how unfair it all was and hugged my little girl as tight as i could to apologise for losing my temper with her when i was trying to work and she wanted to play. Then after a day of back and forward phone calls and emails i switched the phone off and took my little girl to the shops to buy groceries for the chocolate cake we decided to bake together.
By the time we came home the angst was gone and all I cared about was having fun with a little girl who loved her mommy despite mommies crap day. Together we baked THE Most decedant chocolate cake ever that we are going to serve today when the twins come to play.
In the early hours of the morning i woke up – gripped by panic but as i worked through it in my head I began to see the blessings. I had become complacent at work – was used to letting my assistant handle things in the quieter times. I was galavanting too much and had stopped putting in the hours. Thats not why this ghastly thing happened but it may have been avoided if I had spent more time thinking about it and less time at the chiro, masseuse, nail bar, therapist,hairdresser. Suddenly I am super focused, super hungry, super charged and ready to build my business into a superpower that doesnt suffer a defeat like this again. My head is bursting with new ideas i want to implement and I’m rearing to go.
From where i am sitting now i have only gratitude for whats happened and how its going to catapult me to the next level in every area of my life.
its now 6:11 in the AM and for the last hour and a bit i have been twirling around my living room, lyrics in one hand, voice recorder in the other singing at the top of my lungs. No, its not because i am certifiable, its because i am rehearsing for a singing audition i have later this morning. I sort of wish someone had been candidly filming me. it would make for hilarious viewing!
It would be totally delightful if i was suitably dressed in long flowing dress but i’m in a massive dressing gown and slippers and the room smells vaguelly off vomit from where my dog tossed her cookies last night.
Yes I was up at 1am for an hour cleaning up dog vomit from various parts of the carpet. its all glamour here let me tell you! If I’ve learned anything so far in this crazy life its to laugh at yourself as often as you can and to see the humour (as dark as it may sometimes be) in as much as you can. Yesterday I was reminded that trying to be someone you think others will approve of, or someone you think you should be is no road to happiness. Putting on airs or attempting to portray a persona is not authentic – its just a layer to protect the real you from being seen. When you learn that you are enough with all your shortcomings, your imperfections and you peculiarities then you will begin to know happiness and you can begin to have meaningful strong relationships with the people in your life. and another thing. Never gossip – never speak badly about another human being. not ever. Keep those thoughts to yourself, write them down if you have to but dont verbalise them to anyone else. thats not being secretive, its protecting your happiness. Gosipping and speaking ill about other people no matter how they have hurt you will only hurt you. I have most certainly learned that. why? because it is very negative and negativity attracts more negativity and will have you in a cycle of ugliness. And you’re a gorgeous glamorous girl – there is no space for ugliness in your life.
I’d love to hear what crazy antics you get up to when you’re all alone, whether its preparing for work or just blowing off some steam.
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I’ve decided that May – well from mid May to mid June is going to be detox month for me, for my family, my business and my home.
That means getting rid of the things that slow us down, that we don’t love and don’t love us (like wheat and the cockroaches in the outside drain and clutter)
The first detox for me to tackle is the body one and also the hardest but i’m hoping that if I spring clean my health it will filter into my life in general.
I’ve spent my entire life following one diet after another diet, learning contradicting things about nutrition from everyone from my mom to a silicon valley millionaire turned diet guru, to a sports science doctor turned crazy man and i’ve lost some, i’ve gained it back and lost it and gained it and well, you get the picture.
My most recent run in with a diet was buying into the idea of the BULLETPROOF DIET and let me say that i got the most spectacular results. i put on 5 kilos in 2 weeks. yes thats right! you read that correctly. in 2 weeks! almost not even humanly possible you say?
whats beyond frustrating is that i wasn’t even attempting to lose weight – my weight was great. I wanted the other touted virtues like better brain function, higher levels of concentration and laser like focus.
What i got was a fat ass and now i am struggling to get rid of it and i don’t feel very clever either. Infact i feel like a complete idiot. Who buys that you can eat fat all day long and not get fat or die of a major disease?
It’s so bad that i don’t want to go out, i don’t want to see friends, heck i don’t even want to get dressed in the morning. its seriously depressing stuff so i was interested to read about one of the top 10 books you need to read in your life (thats non fiction) called THE CHINA STUDY. The most comprehensive study of nutrition ever conducted. this is not a diet book in the sense of a hot new trending diet – its actual science and it talks about disease and the link to nutrition and unlike the gazillion other books about diet and nutrition its’ in fact based in science.
it also advocates veganism- something i have always been terrified of. It seems so drastic. But the fact is I am 43, i have very little interest in contracting a degenerative disease and a whole lot of interest in losing some of my wobbly bits so i’m going to give it a one month test.
I will post my progress here and we can see what happens within that month – if i’m an anaemic mess or fit, fabulous and on the way to flab free.