Online Dating 101 – the unauthorised, unrequested rules from a Rookie.

Right, so I’ve really committed to this whole online dating thing. Just for fun really. Just to get out and hopefully, have an interesting conversation. I never would have thought. Only took me 3 years to warm to the idea but there it is.  Theres a lot of odd stuff out there and let me just immediately confess that I’ve only had 5 dates. Nevertheless despite my complete rookidom I have some completely unrequested tips for guys wanting to get some attention.

  1. if there’s no photo you are immediately a wierdo stalker and serial killer. so don’t bother posting without one.
  2. I know cycling has become some sort of wierd worldwide epidemic but please dudes do you have to post photos wth cycling helmets and lycra shorts on? FYI its just not a good look. i promise. yes. really.
  3. If you keep insisting on collecting me from my home on the first date the only people you are going to meet there will be the Popo because I’m going to have to assume you’re up to no good.
  4. Do not post a profile picture posing naked to the waist and in your bed under any circumstances. Not any. Unless you have posted while in the throws of a devastating fever and are delirious we will have to assume that you are a sexual deviant. And you probably are.
  5. I thought this one would be for a girls only but apparently not. Dont post pictures from 10 years ago. even if you think you look exactly the same. You do not. I promise.
  6. It is not okay to make lude suggestive comments before we have even met. For example: Woman: “How will we recognise each other?” Man: ” By your thong.”      We are not Ho’s yo! Let me just add its not appropriate after we’ve met either. Can you at least let us feel you actually like our company and that its not all about punani for a little while? At least until you can gauge how frieky we might be and sometime gentlemen we’ll surprise you…..but sometimes we will not so dont push it bro!
  7. This should not even need to be pointed out – but it sadly does, so! Do not – under any circumstances – not any at all – make fun of the person when you meet them. if you think it is funny and that you are the ultimate joker and such a fun guy because you poke fun at other people about something physical – or what they are wearing or any other thing –  then you are a dickhead and you will die alone. Get a friekin life and a therapist because you’ve got some issues pal.
  8. Dont try and get me drunk because you think i’m going to put out if you do. its ridiculous and probably illegal.  What you’ll get instead is someone who can’t speak coherantly, who starts talking about her ex and who may vomit.
  9. Have fun – look most of the time you’re not gonna get any – sometimes you’ll meet someone that you really have a spark with and then you will get some. If you’ve happened upon a nympho you may very well get more than you bargained for but guys we know its not all about sex, no? It’s also about having an affinity with someone and sometimes a great conversation is the best aphrodisiac.
  10. Listen – really listen when the gal is chatting. Ask questions  – keep eye contact.Be interested. If you do your score rate will go right up. If she’s insufferable go home alone. Dont try and salvage the evening with a quick poke. come on guys – do I have to say this?
  11. LEAVE YOUR DARN CELLPHONE IN YOUR POCKET. DO NOT LOOK AT IT, CHECK IT, TAKE CALLS UNLESS YOUR HOUSE IS BURNING DOWN OR YOUR CAR IS BEING STOLEN (you’ll recognise those emergency numbers) If you cannot spend a few hours without looking at your phone you should date it. Screen Shot 2017-06-30 at 6.52.20 AM

So there we are. Thats my unrequested take on online dating from a 40 something. Its going to be soo different for 20 and 30 somethings. I would LOVE to hear some of your rules. And guys I would particularly love to hear from you. I’ve got an idea to compile all of these and make it into something very funny and put it on youtube so please please any comments would be AMAZING!!

 

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