I really wanted him to call. I really wanted to not want to care if he called. but I really wanted him to call. Suddenly I’m a teenager again not a woman of 40 plus with my own business and a child. Just like that. Overnight. Suddenly all the insecurities crowd in and you remember that love is so very scary, that you’re so very vulnerable, that far from being euphoric there’s a lot that feels a lot more like cruel torture. But then you also realise that you feel alive again. Yes, it may be uncomfortably so, but you’re awake, you’re tuned in again, life has taken on another dimension that you had all but switched off.
He may never call. The fantasies that I had conjured up after one brief meeting in an alcohol fueled conversation over several hours in a bar may be the alchemy of absurdity but it doesn’t matter – even though it feels like it really does. There are people out there is the message. After years with one person its difficult to believe that there is life beyond – that perhaps I can still meet someone who will love and adore me and right back at them. I’ve got to be brave. I’ve got to resist the temptation to pull my head back into my shell and say ” no no its too scary, i’m too vulnerable, this is bullshit and i dont need it.” I’ve got to keep living authentically, keep striving for what i want, working toward my dreams and love will find me if my heart is open and my soul is true.
but this isn’t just about me. It’s about you too……….