It occurred to me this Friday evening, sitting between a 40 something leggy blonde and 6 year old leggy blonde – one a friend, the other my daughter, that i had completely and utterly lost fun.
Fun had got up and left the room, the building and maybe even my hemisphere!!
perhaps it was because on the one hand i was trying to devour the explicit details of a 40 somethings sexual renaissance on my right while simultaneously attempting to avoid my daughter’s impending vomit on my left. As I reluctantly dragged myself from the table to Beat a hasty retreat to the bathroom, wearing an expression of concern and mild exasperation (and comfortable leggings) – I realized that i had TOTALLY lost my sense of fun. Life had become so serious. It was all single parenting, bills, vat repayments, overdrafts, bond repayments and school responsibilities, too many taken on responsibilities and FUCK ALL FUN.
Sweet Fuck all! I used to be a fun *chick . Ask anyone from 20 years ago – of course most of them have emigrated (but thats another blog). I used to always be up for a party, the first one dancing on the bar counter. When did i become such a grown up? And was the weight of my self perceived responsibilities weighing too heavily on my shoulders? My scale would certainly concur. Maybe it was the juicy details of an Eat Pray Love – meets Shirley Valentine meets Tantric Travels that got me really thinking this past weekend. My deduction – I Gotta Lighten Up Yo! I gotta get me some fun!
So come Sunday after a particularly trying morning of tantrums and whining i thought Fuck it – Fun – okay! and had 2 glasses of white wine at lunch. Admittedly they were hefty; and then because the universe apparently does this to me, I felt like shit immediately and another realisation was thrust upon me…. i had to rediscover what fun is for me NOW.
For all my adult life, Fun has been synonymous with parties, smoking and drinking and late night recreation. Many years ago I dropped the smoking bit because the guilt at what i knew it was doing to my body was simply overwhelming. Now it was time to extend that into an entire overhaul of what fun entailed.
And this brings me to the present tense….It’s time to rediscover what fun actually looks like if its not on its bum at a long table drinking wine and taking shit (which is certainly allowed to be some of the time just not all of the time) Is fun, laughter, enjoyment with friends, family and new folks possible without a social lubricant? And is it possible to have it in other venues as well while enjoying other aspects of the human experience? How about long scenic walks in nature, Visiting art galleries, second hand furniture stores, libraries, book stores, doing a make your own perfume course, picnics, dog walks, biking, museum hopping, swimming, yoga-ring and of course Love making. In all the parenting, entrepreneuring and income generating, sex went right out the window!! Oh My Good Goddess did it ever!!!! there is no longer any sexy in heysexymamma!! That just doesn’t work for me!
My quest is to lighten up, figuratively (thats a clever play also on my figure – ha ha!!) and literally… Stop taking it all so gawd damn seriously. live a little, explore a little, play a little, find what lights me up and turns me on. And while that seems frivolous and unimportant, a dear friend’s death this past week has also reminded me that it can all disappear in an instant with no warning and no Take Two. Its now or never.
I’m gonna get me some fun!!
DISCLAIMER: “chick” is just a word from my youth and in no means meant to demean me as a woman or the rest of womankind in any way! (just saying)
ANOTHER DISCLAIMER: My spelling and grammar suck. I’m sorry about that but fuck it!
LAST DISCLAIMER: Sorry about the swearing – If I’m talking about tantric sex and such the odd swear word seems immaterial.